You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm having to shit out rocks
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