Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
