Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
