He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
