New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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