i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
