i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
