i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
