Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
