Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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