Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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