I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
