okay pat passed out under dana's car
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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