I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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