Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So much rum. So many feels.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
