I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
