please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think my nap took me to another dimension
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
