Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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