i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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