I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
