Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Quick, to the slutcave!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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