i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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