My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
