Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
