I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
