trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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