no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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