guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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