I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
