Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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