I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
