I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
