im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
