i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
