How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
