I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
