Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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