Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
