Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I would fuck him just for his dog
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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