Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
