dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
