I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
