genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
