Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
