the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
