omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize