No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
