we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
