Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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