'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
