Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
