I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
