okay pat passed out under dana's car
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Randomize
