saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
