Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
