I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
