Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
