I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
